Whisper Sweet Nothings in My Ear.

Or, Don't talk to me... either one works I suppose.

Have you ever had so many things on your mind at once that you just couldn't handle it all anymore? This is what I am suffering from right now, and I am nowhere nearer getting to sleep like my boyfriend than I was when we closed the door to our own hotel room. This I don't know how the hell I feel tonight. It's really strange because I know for a fact that I'm probably coming across as bitchy, or just plain annoying. I have been working on myself a lot lately, and I haven't felt like I have annoyed anyone in quite a while. But the second I get back into the same room with him it all goes back. It's something like doubt I suppose? I read a quote earlier that said something along the lines of "Distance doesn't end the relationship, doubts do" which is incredibly true in my opinion. I know that I'm not doubting my relationship with him, I am simply doubting my ability to make him see that I have changed. I'm not the same person that he left behind all those months ago. And in doubting this, I am being JUST like I was all those months ago. It's like a vicious cycle. I want nothing more than to break myself of this cycle though. And I thought that I knew where to start... But somehow, I panicked I didn't know what to do when I got to be alone with him again. Resort to sex. Awesome sex. BUT then what? I don't want to go to sleep because I still have all these things on my mind. Things that I need to talk out because I need some semblance of reassurance. Some semblance of normalcy. How do I attain this though. He seems different, but exactly the same on the other hand. What do I do about this? Where does the relationship go? What are things going to be like when we get home? Are things ever going to feel like home again? Okay... that last one was a little extreme... I'll admit. I really didn't mean it like that. I just meant- I'm being impatient. I wanted everything to be settled down instantly. Which was nothing but a pipe dream in the first place, but hey. What else was I supposed to do?!!!? I love this boy more than anything and I sincerely want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do I get it through his head that I just need him to be there? I just need to feel connected to someone because as good as I've been doing lately, I feel like I would be so much farther along in this process if I just had a connection. This is not all to say that he and I are falling apart or anything. By any means. I just have all of these internal goals about where I want to be in my persuit of happiness and self, that I am under intense pressure to succeed, and it's all my fault. For the first time ever. I am the one holding the reins, and I am the one calling the shots. But, times like this when I can do nothing but sit at my computer and try to ignore the fact that I am slipping a bit... I start to feel like I have put a little too much on my own plate. Like I bit off more than I could chew. Like my eyes were bigger than my stomach. In over my Goddamn head.

And the shittiest part about it all? I'm probably dead wrong. Things are probably perfectly fine. It is more than likely just my own brain acting up on me that is making me act this way... But the fact that I feel as though I projected myself in the wrong light? Gave the wrong impression? When all I wanted to do tonight was further solidify the fact that I was doing really well? Yeah... This fucking stings. Why do I do this to myself?

I guess this will be another lesson in letting things go... especially when I know that It's more than likely that this is all in my head.

Let's see how well i do huh?

p.s. I am REALLY happy to have him back. Becausr no matter how crazy things are inside my head right now, eventually everything will go back to how they were supposed to be.

Trust.

It's the key, and right now... I trust myself.

Inebriation, Intoxication, and Interesting Conversation.

Lastnight was... a night. Drank, Laughed, Cried, got Angry... basically it was a roller coaster of sorts. I needed that. It had been far too long since the last time that I felt that I could just let go and say whatever the hell was on my mind. I won't say that I feel like it's something that I need to do more often, because drinking REALLY isn't my thing... But lastnight was most certainly a positive and I am happy to have finally gotten so much crap off of my chest in such a judge-free environment.

I love my Bestfriend.

I love everyone around me... but right now?

Bestfriend wins. <3

Lightning Bolts, Dreams, and the Number 13.

13 Years... I believe it was sometime in September of 1998 and I was 7 years old. I can remember sitting in the living room with my grandpa and seeing something mentioned on whatever news station that he was watching about a book that was being released in the US about a boy who discovers that he is a wizard. My Grampa used to read with me every single night. I loved it, and I can remember most tiny details of the nights spent sitting on the arm of his chair trying to figure out what certain words meant and just LEARNING. I probably learned more sitting on the arm of that chair than I ever did at school. Even so, the day that Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was released I was immersed. GONE completely wrapped up in the wizarding world and never seen again. I have never been ashamed to admit that my favorite book series is Harry Potter and I have always been proud to say that I've been reading the books and waiting for the movies ever since the very first day the books started coming out. But Harry Potter has always been about so much more than that to me. My dad loved the stories as well. I read the books TO him because he didn't really like to read, but liked the stories and- let's face it... I was a bookworm. I always had my nose in a book growing up. The last thing that I ever got to go do with both of my parents together was seeing the premier of the first Harry Potter movie ( spent half of the time elbowing my mom because she was missing the best parts and i was offended that she could be falling asleep during such an amazing movie) but I loved it. My dad loved it, and he would take me to whatever Harry Potter events came to town, just because it was something for us to do together. Harry Potter exhibits, Harry Potter Nights at the Library... book releases... anything really. And when my dad died? I had no idea what to do. One of the last conversations that I can remember having with my dad though was about how I got completely immersed in the books. In the movies as well, but reading the books was such an incredible experience. I got lost in them. And luckily for me, I did. Dealing with losing my dad at 13 years old was the hardest thing... I had lost my Dad and Mr.Mom as well, but I had also lost my bestfriend. The person who I had spent about 95% of my waking hours with... He was gone. I had to get lost in someting. What kept me sane? What kept me moving in the right direction? What helped me cope? Reading. Leaving this world behind and going to spend time with Harry and the Weasleys and just being happy somewhere else. I threw myself into a whole new world where I didn't have to deal with all of the difficulties of the world that I really belonged to. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense to whoever may be reading this, but I have been shaped for the better by this story and everything that comes with it. I have strengthened a relationship with my father that was way too short to begin with, formed friendships with people who otherwise wouldn't have spared me a second glance and just basically been happier because I have discovered this world. 13 years out of 20 is a very big portion of ones life to spend anticipating something new out of ONE story. But, It's all over now. Done. The series has been completed... But for me, Harry Potter will live on forever.

Laugh if you want to, I don't mind.

Mischief Managed, indeed.

Pennies, Dimes, and Three Days Time!!!... 0_o

In three days time I will be in Georgia. With my boyfriend. Who has been gone for over 2 months now. I am extrememly excited for this trip, and incredibly nervous all at once. I have never traveled all alone before. This is sure to be an interesting experiance. Especially because I got screwed over and am now almost $400 in the hole. This week has not gone as well as I wish it would have. =/ All in all though, things are good for me lately. The only thing that would make my life infinitely easier is if I could somehow find a second job. I need a better way to support this family. Nothing seems like enough even though I feel like I KILL myself at work every morning. I am proud of myself though. I really, and truely can say that now. This is new for me. =P

best of all, i feel as though my Dad and my Grandpa would be proud of me because I really am trying to get it together and do as much as humanly possible to take care of everyone around me. Once again though... if only that were enough.. Does that make sense?

My life is a wonderful thing. I have had the honor to meet some of the most amazing people that have ever walked this planet. I will continue to live my life in the mold that my father built for me and it will pay off in time. I just know it will.

Until-

Mischief Managed.

Daddy Day...Anyways.

When I was younger, we would talk for hours just about what we thought the future would hold. You were going to win the lottery and build Grama and Grampa a new house and put a house for us in the back yard. Along with a custom Roller Coaster and every single one of our favorite carnival rides. I was going to be an astronaut and a magician and a writer. I had finally settled on the fact that I wanted to be an astronomer. You bought me a telescope and told me that no matter what, you were going to see to it that I had every opportunity to make my dreams come true. To help me reach my goals and accomplish anything I set my mind to. "the world is ours for the taking and all we need is eachother" it was all a wonderful idea. Now, instead of having someone to talk crazy schemes of the future with, I'm working my butt off at FedEx and trying to do my best to take care of those around me, paycheck to paycheck. I can't hangout with my friends or play video games or anything of that nature and it confuses me... Because I can remember you having 3 jobs at once and still finding time for family and friends. And me. ALWAYS time for me. Back then, all I ever wanted was to make you proud of me. Now, even though I know you'd be really proud of me- I feel like it's undeserved. I know that I am a good person, and I have a very big heart. That is because it's how you raised me. At least until I was 13. Now, things just get crazier and crazier. I don't know how to handle it all anymore, and I also don't know how to STOP handling it. It's a curse.

Back then, I would run to you to talk about anything and everything... But let's face it. 13 year olds don't exactly have MONUMENTAL issues to discuss. The first really big thing that ever happened to me- was losing you. Go figure huh? The first time I ever had a ginormous thing to come and talk to you about... And you're the only person I can't go to?! "just my luck" is what you'd say to that. So much has happened since then. I had to figure out how to deal with the world on my own. ME against the World instead of US. And I learned something about myself. I'm STRONG. I can handle it all. I do have bad days.. I miss you like crazy ALL the time still... And it's been over 7 years. Now Grampa's gone too?!! At the risk of sounding fairly childish and annoying. THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!! =\

I know, I know, everything is going to be alright... That's what everyone always says. I know by now that things are going to be okay. If I can make it through 7 years without you... Things are going to be okay. I'm always going to have bad days here and there... Like when someday in the future when I get married, have kids, go to college, make something of myself, even just random days when I want to remember everything I can about you. Like why I got your picture tattoo'd on my arm. But now there have been more good days than bad and it's been this way for quite some time now. I know you'd be happy about that.

It still bums me out sometimes that a very large portion of my friends never got a chance to know you. They never got to see how amazing you really were. They just have to go by what I tell them. Even my boyfriend. He's never met you but he says that he thinks he can say he knows you just because he knows me. And we all know what a big impact you are on my character.

So, once again... Instead of a father's day gift to give you and take you out somewhere- I'll be buying flowers to take to the cemetery and probably sit there in the peace and quiet for a while. This has grown to be a bit of a tradition for me.

Happy Father's Day!!! To the most AMAZING Person I've ever encountered. I miss you like crazy. Kiss Grampa for me and tell him Happy Daddy Day as well?

I love you Daddy,

Turkey.

Prairie Pups and Long Distance Loves...

79 more days until my Dylan comes home. He's almost been gone for 50 days. I miss him like crazy right now. Things are gonna be okay though =) I promise.

Blogger Apps and Reeeeal Long Naps..

Found a blogger app on the android market. Now i'm trying to type this blog with the swype thingamagig. It's really not going too well... But I'm almost certain that this is one of those practice makes perfect things. Well...maybe...

Though Time Can Change So Many Things, I Know One Thing Is True....

...Time can never - EVER change the Love I feel for you.

Today has been a prety interesting day so far... I woke up sick and this is no good. Why do I always have to get sick on my LAST day of my weekend. I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I'm going to have to suck it up and go anyways.

I went and attempted to apply at an employment agency today, and all they said was that the forms of identification that I brought with me were insufficient. So I went all the way across town to the DMV to get a State ID. But the proof of address that I had brought with me was... insufficient. Shocking huh?

So I went all the way to the opposite end of town to my house to get my other proof of addresses, and went all the way back to the DMV. Finally got my state ID and I feel pretty accomplished for the day given how bad i have felt since i woke up.

My boyfriend has been gone since Thursday and I miss him about 100 x's more now than I did last year. I am convinced that this is becaues not only do I love him more this year than I did last year, but I was also spoiled on boyfriend time before he had to leave. It was amazing spending so much time with him lately because he's been pretty much the only thing keeping me sane. I love him more than words could possibly say.

oh look. a text from him. <3

I have felt the need to Blog a lot lately but I sort of feel like I'm just talking to myself when I write on here. This is not a good feeling for me. I drive myself crazy after a while. =P

Okay..... Update:

Totalled my FREAKING car a couple weeks ago. NOW I have to get another job and try to save up for a new car at the same time that I am trying to come up with enough money to take on as many of my Grandmother's bills as i possibly can. I have to feel like I am doing something worthwhile. And yet, I'm scared that I am going to run myself into the ground. I know that I am capable of anything that I put my mind to, and my mind has been on nothing other than trying to figure my finances out lately... So I should be in pretty good shape if i can get another job.

At least... i can hope.

There has been an extreme amount of drama around here lately. It's kind of making me down lately. Which doesn't help the fact that I'm bummed because my boyfriend is about 910 miles away from me right now.

Sad.

At least at this point I am talking to him on the phone... I love the sound of his voice.

<3

-Mischief Managed.

Why Stop Dreaming When You Wake Up?

So, it is 7:20pm on a Saturday night. Normally i would be just starting to get ready to go out and hang out with my friends and family on nights like this one. Instead I find myself dead fricking tired and just plain ready to pass out. This is what I get for having the job that i have. =/ Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and I would hate to lose it. BUT the hours don't do all too much for my social life. =P

This time last week I found myself incredibly determined. I was going to start work on my bathroom and figure out a way to fix the house up all nice for my Grama and it really looked like it was a realistic plan. I thought that i had thought it through pretty thoroughly but apparently I was wrong. Nothing is turning out the way that I need it to. The Bathroom was supposed to come fisrt because we need a shower put in more than anything else around here in my opinion. BUT what did I do? I went out and committed myself to two very large purchases and a few people (trying no to let myelf be one of them) think that I am going to get in over my head. I know that I am capable of doing this on my own. I know that I have to potential and all I have to do is figure out my Budget and things of that nature for the next while... but what would really help is if I could find another Job. Maybe not one that has as much work involved in it =P I just mean that I would really like to have another source of income because it would sincerely help out around here. It would be wonderful to be able to find a way to make all of my plans come to life. On my own. With NO HELP from anyone. Because I am sick of hearing people tell me that I don't appreciate my Grama, and I have no respect for anyone... That is just not the case. Not that my words are ever enough to plead my case. =/

Right now, I have my Boyfriend asking me to come over to his house to hang out for a while, and my Ex boyfriend asking me to go over to my brother's house to hangout with them for a while. When really, all I want to do is go to sleep. My room feels wonderful right now because I turned the air conditioner on for the first time this year today. I am just TOO comfy right now.

Regardless though I do need to go somewhere. None of my problems are ever going to get solved if I keep this string of disappointments going and going and going and going. I hate that no one seems to understand it all. I can't really explain it either. You'll just have to take my word for it, won't you?

I want to do sooooo many things right now. I just wish that I could figure out how the heck to make this happen. For once... just for once. It would be really nice to be pleasantly surprised by the positive direction my life is changing.

I love my life, and I am extremely proud of myself right now because I am doing good things with what I have to work with. I only wish that i had the means to do more for us all. I only wany the best for everyone. What do I have to do to achieve this?!?!?

I'm sure that I will figure it all out somehow. I just hope this happens sooner rather than later.

Until Next Time.

Mischief Managed.

Abracabubbles and Boyfriends Who Cause Trouble...

Daaaahhh...... Today has been a good day, at least up until a point. There's always gotta be something though, right? Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Or, so Murphy says anyway. =P

I blogged already once today, so this seems a little odd. It has been QUITE a while since I have written two posts in a day. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that I am using my computer instead of my iPhone? It sort of sucks having to type out entire blogs worth of words on the little bitty screen of the phone... BUT I do need to have SOME way to get these random things off my chest from time to time, no?

i think that i shall attempt to post two pictures with this update because I didn't have time to upload one with my post from this morning. I really was on a pretty tight schedule today, and yet- i didn't get anything that I wanted to be done... done. GRRR.

I can't even get myself to remember what i was getting on here to write about.

i hate when that happens. =/

in other news, i have found out today that my blog only has like 145 views (half of which were probably me) and i have had a blogger account since like 06 or somewhere around there. I think this means that I was right when i said that no one ever reads these darn things anyways.

can't says i blame ya. right now anyways.

am i making any sense?

meh. oh well.

for now.

Mischief Managed.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........can't get any pictures to upload anyways.

Live For Moments You Can't Put Into Words.

I have about 5 minutes to type this Blog... which now that i think about it, doesn't really seem all that possible.

I have to take the girls to school momentarily and then it's on to figuring out the rest of my day. Yesterday didn't go at all how i expected it to go upon waking up... I went to work and had a pretty rough day which i suppose should have just been expected becuase tuesdays are for some reason usually a pretty busy day for us.. but people there had some strange moods going on. It seemed like everyone was angry or upset about something. Could have all just been from people getting stressed out, or maybe i was just stressed out so that's how it seemed to me... the world may never know.

When I got back from work I ended up going to give one of my old friends a ride to get his car from his dad, and got to hangout with him for a bit which was pretty nice. THEN another one of my friends who i hadn't seen in over 2 years ended up coming over to my house. It was really nice to see her it was just a little bit weird because it had been so long. I couldn't tell if she was different or if I'm just so different that she seemed diffferent as well... hmm... that's somthing to Riddle over i suppose.

The rest of the day? i had SOOOOOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo many things that i needed to get done, but i ended up... sleeping. Just sleeping. Fun huh? Not so much for me... TOOOO MUCH SLEEEP.

Thought of the Day: "Don't sweat that small stuff, and remember. It's ALL small stuff." ... seems like an old and stuffy saying... but seriously, Try it. I DARE YOU.

=)

I'm all out of time now.

Until.

Mischief Managed.

Today You are You, that is Truer than True...

...There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

=)

So lately I have found myself ridiculously determined that I am going to fix my house up. There many many MANY things that need to be done to this place for it to be in a good condition. BUTTTTTTT I need to get it all done. I just hate that I get so impatient with things like this... i want it all to be DONE ALREADY!!!!!! errrg!!! =P

ANNYWHOO.

My boyfriend is leaving in 23 days. He'll be gone for 18 weeks and I am really not looking forward to it. He's kind of been what has kept me grounded lately... the one thing that has really kept me sane. As incredibly much as i complain about him and how he annoys the hell out of me, and complain that we fight all the time, I never really find myself gushing about how wonderful he is for me... I feel like a shitty girlfriend because of that. He knows I love him though, and that's really all that matters. =)

I have so many plans circling through my head in constant rotation that I have been finding it a bit difficult lately to focus on just one thing. I go to work, come home, take the girls to school, try to get some sleep, fail miserably because I can never seem to get my thoughts to shut the hell up. It is sincerely bothering me. I'm sure that I will figure it all out in time... I know that I worry too damn much.

it is 12:40am... i have to clock in at work at 3:30 am... I am trying to figure out if it's really worth it to go to sleep for the 2 hours i might get to sleep before i need to start getting ready... and it is starting to seem like i should just stay awake... which sucks because i know that i am going to get really tired before i ever start working.

annnnnnd here i go again. rambling away... probably talking in circles.

typical Angel.

grrrrrrr.

i think that i'm going to attempt the sleep thing? maybe?

Until.

When things go missing, I blame the nargles.

Laying in my bed with my Blanket, wondering why it has been so long since the last time that I posted something on my blog... No explanation really other than the fact that my job's hours are kind of insane so I have to sleep when I can. Oh well. I don't even think anyone reads my insanity on here anyways. So we're good.

Update:

My boyfriend is leaving in about a month and he will be gone until almost September. I am going to miss him like crazy and I am not looking forward to this... But it'll be okay. I'll still get to talk to him because he'll still have his phone and stuff. So that's cool. I'm just going to miss having someone here to cuddle me to sleep. =\ this bed is pretty darn large for little bitty me to sleep in alone. =)

Having so many people in my house has put everyone on edge and there has been waaay too much tension around here lately. I know what is causing this tension but I'm really never allowed to speak my mind about what's bothering me. It's seriously going to cause my stomach ulcers to get worse. I have been having a huge flare up with my stomach problems lately... And the stressful things around me make me pretty certain why.

I have started a savings account for going to Vegas on my next birthday. =) I'm ridiculously excited about that.

Hmm... What else has happened lately?

I have read a buncha really good books in the last month or so and it took me back to the days when I would lay in my room and to absolutely nothing but read. Made me get a big case if the warm and fuzzies.

All in all, things have been pretty good lately. They seem to be looking up and I'm currently knocking on wood because I would love it if it stayed that way.

Only time will tell, ya know?

=) until.

When Nothing is Going Right... Go Left.

So today has not been a very wonderful day... to say the very least.

i have been trying to do everything in my power to make sure that everyone around me is happy and content with their lives and i have been killing myself doing so... it seems as though i should at the very least be granted the decency of a "thanks Angel, i appreciate it" every once in a great while. i don't feel like that is to much to ask.

In other news... my boyfriend is absolutely amazing lately. He has been the only thing really holding me together. I love that we have been doing so well lately. I love that even in the midst of this chaotic world that i have somehow found myself immersed in, he still manages to make me feel happy. i love that about him.

i do not know what in the world i would ever do with out this man.

i've caught myself a good one... now to figure out how to trap him for good. =P

NO, i know he loves me.

Moving on, i am currently sitting here on my mom's bed with my macbook laying open in front of me. My mother is sleeping a few feet away from me. Do you know how hard it is to type quietly??!?

I think that people in my life are getting upset with me a lot lately because i have been complaining about my life pretty non-stop to basically anyone who will listen to me... i suppose this is not a very attractive quality in a friendship... =/ but what else am i supposed to do? i have learned from experience that i cause myself WAY bigger problems if i keep things bottled up inside for forever... i gave myself stomach ulcers that way... i don't want to make them worse. That's all i need right? MORE doctor bills to pay for? Not so much. =/ ugh.

i feel like everytime i get on here to make another post it is filled with a whole bunch of negative things in my life. why do i only get the strong urge to blog when i am having a horrible day? does that make any DAMN sense to you??! is anyone even reading this mumbo jumbo?

wow.

i just realized that there is a very large chance that i am just blogging quietly to myself.

what. is. wrong. with. me.

grrr.

i don't even want to begin to touch on that subject... so i think i may have found a fairly decent resting point for this.

Until.

-Angel.

Duct Tape Mummy, or Creative Cocoon?

This are very different now than they were a few months ago when I blogged last. And yet, so very the same as well.

It seems like I always start these things on a negative note. In the new year i am trying to be more positive. So here are some positives. =)

•I've got a job now.
•I have been in a better mood lately.
•I can help my Grama out.
•Dylan and I are doing better lately.
•My birthday is in 8 days.
•My friends are amazing.
•I got my Dani and Tab out of the situation that they were in.
•I feel great about myself.
•I am losing weight.
•I no longer feel anything like a bum.

These random things could go on forever. But basically? I'm liking life right now. At the moment I'm laying in my bed with my dog and I'm dozing off faster that I am typing this.

More tomorrow? Hope you don't mind.


If, you know, anyone decides to read this.