Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday. What is the difference anymore?

I have SINCERELY been having a bit of an internal crisis lately I have been out of work for the last month because I sprained my ankle, and thanks to that I have NO money coming in. Luckily for my I have a boyfriend who gives a damn, because at least my bills are getting paid for the most part. The real problem here is the fact that I can feel myself spiraling. I know that I have managed to repress a LOT of things in the last 6 months, and I know that I will never get around to moving on with my life if I don't deal with them asap. But I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I WANT to. I do NOT want to live my life this way. But I do NOT know what to do right now. There's no instruction manual telling me how to deal with death and grief as an adult. I don't know how to process this because every other time I have gone through these things in my life I was young enough to just let the world move on around me and just give myself time to feel it all and get myself back to a point where I'm not living on constant autopilot. I know that this is my issue right now, and I know that this is not how I want to be living my life. I just honestly and truthfully have zero idea how to get myself out of this one.

I'm a bit lost if you can't tell. I am looking for a way out of this abyss that I have found myself lost in, but there is no clear exit sign. I am going to have to fight my way out of this one, and I am almost starting to feel as though maybe this one will require some professional help. I'm just not okay. I hate to admit that, because even in my darkest of times in the past I would look anyone dead in the eye and say "I'm okay" even when I didn't think I would ever get there again. But now? I can't do that. I can't even try to play that off. I'm just. Not.

I think that's okay though? No one has to be alright 100% of the time. I will figure this out one way or another, I just really might need some help this time.

Sorry about the completely random ramble session this turned into wherein I'm sure I just waffled around in circles and made little to no sense whatsoever, but I just needed to get some of that out.

I hope you're doing a bit better at navigating your life than I am right now. >.<

-Until.

But I'll Tell You All About it When I See You Again...

It has sincerely been far too long since I have sat down to write something on this blog. This place was always my escape and the one place that I went to when I just needed to try and riddle things out when they felt too messy to talk about out loud. I was searching for a community of people to connect with on here, and I seemed to have come up dry in that respect, but then realized that it really didn't matter whether or not people actually stumbled across my page because it just helped in general to have an outlet for the things in my mind. Things have been very cloudy in my head for the last few years, and I am incredibly disappointed that it has taken me this long to realize what I have been missing. I need to start blogging again.

I have been through a LOT in the last couple years since I last logged in here to check in. I have made new friends who have made a huge difference in my world, and I have lost a few key friendships that I never saw myself going without. It is hard for me to type that, as I know exactly what I mean by it, and yet I am still so effected by the fact that these few people are no longer in my life that I can't even bring myself to type them. They would just be too difficult to read again. I have gone through losing all three of my jobs in one fell swoop, to finding a way to support myself doing the thing that I love the most, which is writing. I started a little freelance business and was actually starting to gain a lot of business and got incredibly excited at the prospect that this is what I could really do for the rest of my life. That didn't end well. I had to put everything that I was doing on the back burner for a while, as my grandmother fell ill and I needed to step up to take care of her like she had taken care of me for my entire life. I found myself in a very scary world of "Get her better, just get her better. She'll be fine if I just focus and put my all into getting her better." I was so stuck in this world that I really didn't realize how bad things were. She passed away in November of 2015. It has almost been 6 months and it is not an exaggeration to state that I am STILL trying to figure out where to go in my life now. There are a million and one things that I need to do, and a million more things that I have to have help accomplishing... I wish I knew where to begin.

I am sort of floundering and grasping at straws at the moment, but I know that she raised me well enough to make it through this one as well. I will figure it all out one way or another. I just have to find my starting point. This all seems in vain because I know myself well enough to know that I haven't really even allowed myself to feel this loss wholeheartedly yet. I know that I will fall apart. I know that I am going to be a wreck over this. I know that there are a lot of feelings that I need to go through before I can allow myself to even begin to put the pieces back together, but I also know that unlike back when I lost the rest of my little family unit (13 when my dad passed away and 17 when my Grampa passed) I am an adult this time, and I have responsibilities. There are things that I need to make sure are squared away before I can allow myself to fall apart, so I need to keep it together until I can accomplish that. I will figure it all out.

In other news, I got a really good job. A job which will make the sudden need to pay for a mortgage and the gas, electric, and all other household bills actually possible. A job that will eventually help me put a dent the upwards of $75,000 worth of debt that I have inherited 50% of. A job that I can't go back to for at least another 6 weeks. Why you ask? Because clumsy lucky Angel managed to step off of a curb incorrectly on her way into work and rolled and twisted her ankle into a hairline fracture and the most unflattering boot known to man. YAAAAAAAAAY for incoordination.

So, for now- I am doing alright. I am still kicking, and I am going to get back into this blogging thing.

Did you read this? Blogger has told me that I have 6 followers, but I am not sure if these followers are actual people or if they are just my old blogs and friends that I have coaxed into creating an account here in hopes to have a common place where we can all vent and spend time with one another. I have spent most of my free time in the last... I don't know. 8 years or so on Tumblr... I love it over there and I have almost 3,000 followers on that blog. I just wanted a place where I could make more detailed recollections of the goings on in my day to day life, so its time to attempt to re-vamp here. I am going to be better at this. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Did you make it through this? Are you new here? Did the post that I have yet to make but will momentarily make on tumblr get you here? What would you like to talk about? Give me some topics maybe? Let me know how you are feeling today. Tell me a story. Be my new best friend?

I am always looking for new distractions from this ridiculous amount of cloudy mess I am under right now, and new friends are always the best kind of distraction for me.


Please don't be shy. Let me know!!!


-Until.

What is going on with my life?

Lately things seem incredibly out of hand. I have been trying my damnedest to figure out where things went wrong, and what I need to do to get everything back on track. It's not going as well as I had hoped. 

Maybe at some point inspiration will strike and all will be riddled out.  I wish there was a Reparo charm for my life. 

Wishful thinking right? 23 years old and I am still waiting on my owl to arrive from Hogwarts. 

>.< if you need me, I'll be reading. It's really all I have been doing lately.

-Until.

"I feel alive when I'm with you."

"You're the best thing in my life"

You really figure out who your true friends are when you are sick and hurting. As of late, sick and hurting has been the definition of my life.

I have found myself quite a few times in the past few years thinking... Why doesn't he show that he cares more? Why isn't he more affectionate?! What am I doing wrong? What is going on... Really. But if I think about it now, there really was no cause for concern. He wasn't babying me, but he obviously cares for me otherwise he would have been gone a long time ago. Something has kept him around. And after this last week, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is as in love with me as I am with him.

I'm sick. Really sick. Like stomach flu, can't keep a damn thing in my stomach to save my life type of sick. This is no fun at all, but seeing how he has reacted to be being so ill has made something new spark in me. He was scared shitless when I called him and said I needed to go to the emergency room, and he has done all be could go be there for me and take care of me ever since then. Guys are weird. I don't know what it is about this time that is different, but something definitely is. I love that he is being so nice to me.

I know that after I'm better he will probably go back to ignoring me for video games and the like and being mean to me just for the hell of it sometimes, but I'm going to do all I can to make sure he knows that I see him. And I really appreciate what hems done for me lately.

=P it's a funny feeling, being in love.

Until.

(Trust me, I know this probably doesn't make sense to you if you're reading it, and if you know me at all, you should know that a blog for me is not something you should look too deeply into. I'm just rambling and I have no filter. Nor do I explain myself very often. Oh well, that's probably why this is my blog, and also probably why no one but me reads it.)

If You Don't Know Where You're Going...

...Any road will get you there.


I should be asleep. I should be taking advantage of some of the very few minutes of down time I've got before I rush off to job #2, and I should be doing so by sleeping. I can't function properly while sleep deprived. This is no good, seeing as I am ALWAYS sleep deprived as of late. - This being one of the main reasons that I have neglected my blog again. Recent talk on facebook about one of my Aunts wanting to take to the Internet with her thoughts reminded me that I too have a blog... one that I used to use as a personal journal because I was convinced that no one was ever going to read it. This, is not that blog.. this one has basically been for me to complain. A place for me to bitch about all of the silly or mundane things going on around me. It's been a very long road indeed. My life is much different now than it was when I first started this thing... but I don't really know how I could have done anything differently. I'll just have to be okay with the way things are turning out and roll with it. What else is there? There's really no going back in life. And even if that were a possibility I don't think that I would be one to choose to take advantage of this luxury. I don't want to live my life over again. I don't want to have to lose the ones I've lost a 2nd time... no matter if I could spend another day with them or another 20 years with them. I don't want to feel the pain of losing them another time around. No thank you. Call me crazy for thinking this, I don't care. Really... you're allowed to think what you will. But my opinion will not be altered. I just don't want to go back for anything. I believe that you live the life you live for a reason.. You are who you are because in the grand scheme of things, that's who you were supposed to me. So, that being said... I'm me. I'm a 21 year old "mother" of two wonderful (and sometimes annoying) teenagers who I love with all my heart. I have been with my boyfriend for well over 3 years now and through all of our ups and downs I am proud to report that we are doing really well. I love him more than words could ever come close to making sense of. There are still things in my life that I will be on here to bitch about... because my family has been doing nothing but bugging the hell out of me for the last few months. No, I don't want a do-over... I do not want to go back in time. Because all of the things that I have been through are what make my life MINE. No one else's.


I work too many hours in a day to even be able to promise regular updates, but that being said.... I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Hello Blogger Buddies...


Did you miss me?


-Until.

Blogger Apps and Reeeeal Long Naps..

Found a blogger app on the android market. Now i'm trying to type this blog with the swype thingamagig. It's really not going too well... But I'm almost certain that this is one of those practice makes perfect things. Well...maybe...