Who am I? Who are you?

Once again I have managed to 100% abandon this blog. The one place that used to get me through everything that I ever went through... The one place I felt comfortable venting all of my issues. Mostly because I was very sure that no one in the world would read about them, but also because on the off chance that someone did- maybe that person would understand where I am coming from.

My life is different now. I feel like a new person all together, and yet I also feel like I don't really exist at all anymore. Is that weird? Probably.

I lost my Grama. She's gone now, and she was really all I had left of the family that I was raised in. The remainder of my "family" are sincerely not making this loss any easier for me, though to be fair there is not really anything that they could do to make it any easier. They could just be a bit less... terrible. That might help. I have caught myself looking around and trying to decipher what is going on around me and it all seems like this huge blur.

Loss is not an easy thing to cope with. I thought I knew this very well. I thought that I was a pro at dealing with losing the people closest to me. My dad's been gone for a very long time now, and my grandfather followed almost 4 years to the day after that. What's so different about this time? Why does this hurt so differently? Is it because my Grama had remained a constant in my life? Is it because she is the one who picked me back up after every other bad in my life and set me back on my feet with a "I love you, and I know this is hard but we have to do this together. It's us against the world now." ? Is that the difference? I feel like it is all of the above and then some. I am floundering right now, and apparently those around me can see it on my face. My doctor was able to pick up on the cloud of depression encasing me to the point that when I walked in there for him to check out my ankle to tell me if I can go back to work yet I walked out of there with some Anti-Depression and Anti-Anxiety meds. I haven't been on these in a LOT of years.

I think maybe the way I am feeling is because I am an adult now. I can no longer cope with things by locking everything away and taking my time to just stop living in the real world until I have at least begun to process this all. I now have responsibilities that I have never had to deal with before. I now have a million things to do on a day to day basis, but I also have to be the deciding factor in real-estate decisions, and ally kinds of other mumbo jumbo. Grama left me here to deal with all of this, and I genuinely feel like she was only holding on as long as she did because she wanted me to be a bit older and more capable of taking on the world head on.

I think that I am going to be okay, but for the life of me I don't even really know which direction to start walking in. I am a bit lost right now. I will figure it all out eventually, but I'm sure that I will need a bit more help along the way.

Do you have things in your life causing you to feel like you're going to crumble? Do you have a million and one reasons why you are feeling the way that you are? Have you lost someone or many someones who were you life? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone out here. Things are intense. How do you do it?

Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday. What is the difference anymore?

I have SINCERELY been having a bit of an internal crisis lately I have been out of work for the last month because I sprained my ankle, and thanks to that I have NO money coming in. Luckily for my I have a boyfriend who gives a damn, because at least my bills are getting paid for the most part. The real problem here is the fact that I can feel myself spiraling. I know that I have managed to repress a LOT of things in the last 6 months, and I know that I will never get around to moving on with my life if I don't deal with them asap. But I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I WANT to. I do NOT want to live my life this way. But I do NOT know what to do right now. There's no instruction manual telling me how to deal with death and grief as an adult. I don't know how to process this because every other time I have gone through these things in my life I was young enough to just let the world move on around me and just give myself time to feel it all and get myself back to a point where I'm not living on constant autopilot. I know that this is my issue right now, and I know that this is not how I want to be living my life. I just honestly and truthfully have zero idea how to get myself out of this one.

I'm a bit lost if you can't tell. I am looking for a way out of this abyss that I have found myself lost in, but there is no clear exit sign. I am going to have to fight my way out of this one, and I am almost starting to feel as though maybe this one will require some professional help. I'm just not okay. I hate to admit that, because even in my darkest of times in the past I would look anyone dead in the eye and say "I'm okay" even when I didn't think I would ever get there again. But now? I can't do that. I can't even try to play that off. I'm just. Not.

I think that's okay though? No one has to be alright 100% of the time. I will figure this out one way or another, I just really might need some help this time.

Sorry about the completely random ramble session this turned into wherein I'm sure I just waffled around in circles and made little to no sense whatsoever, but I just needed to get some of that out.

I hope you're doing a bit better at navigating your life than I am right now. >.<

-Until.

Looking for Help is Difficult.

I have been attempting to find someone who can help me fix this place up. My blog needs to be revamped because it looks... Kind of like I made the template when I was around 16. Which is more than likely the case. Anyone out there fancy giving me a hand? I swear I knew what I was doing once upon a time. I am not sure what my brain did with all of the html info I used to have stored. *sigh* third world problems.

That Dreamers Often Lie...

Everyone has dreams and hopes for the future... Everyone has things that they have hoped for since they were young. I wanted to graduate, go to college and become a grief counselor for kids like me... I wanted to get married and have a few kids and live a long and happy life with my family. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was little, and when I realized how much training and work would seriously be involved I was even more interested. But then I changed my mind again and decided that I was more interested in astronomy. I really wanted to study the stars... And space in general. I was going to write tons of books and share my vast knowledge with the world, maybe even discover an alien race or something... Because even as a small child I realized that if we as human beings are the most advanced life forms in the universe that the entire universe is fucked. I wanted to do everything all at once. I wanted to be a kick boxer, and a dancer and a cheerleader. But I was basically bullied into the realization that none of that was going to happen for me. Someone took those dreams away from me and I just let it happen. I flushed them all down the toilet because I had let someone talk me into thinking less of myself that what I am... What I was, and what I always have been. I could have done every single one of those things... COULD HAVE. Could still do some of them if I started now. But what I have learned over the last year or so is that over time, your dreams change. They change according to the people you are around, and they change according to who and what you become. They change because of the decisions that you make. Every single day. What do I dream of now? Nothing. I can't bring myself to see past my simple dream if wanting to be out of pain. I want to be pain free. I want to wake up and go for a jog and not come home crying. I want to get out of bed, walk down my stairs and into my bathroom and back without flinching or actual tears coming to my eyes. I want to dance again. I want to go back to the gym... But even if that is not possible for me anymore, I would at the very least settle for just being okay. I want to be able to lay in bed next to my boyfriend and not cry because I can't even turn over to cuddle with him without being in some really immense pain. I want to go to work, at my stupid desk job where all I do all day is get bitched at by stupid customers who blame you for things that are not your fault, and I want to be able to sit in a chair. That's all. I want to be able to stand for longer that 1 minute without feeling like there are a million knives stabbing their way up and down my spine. I want to just BE. I want to be allowed to live. It no longer matters to me anymore if any of my other dreams come true because what is the point if I am going to be in pain through it all?!!!? That is the most depressing part of all of this... The fact that it is just as simple as, I want to stop hurting. But that seems so infinitesimally impossible. Why? Can YOU tell me? You'd probably have a better answer for me than all of the doctors that I have been to. Sincerely... What is this world coming to?!! Talk about the American Dream.... Go on, talk about it.