Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday. What is the difference anymore?

I have SINCERELY been having a bit of an internal crisis lately I have been out of work for the last month because I sprained my ankle, and thanks to that I have NO money coming in. Luckily for my I have a boyfriend who gives a damn, because at least my bills are getting paid for the most part. The real problem here is the fact that I can feel myself spiraling. I know that I have managed to repress a LOT of things in the last 6 months, and I know that I will never get around to moving on with my life if I don't deal with them asap. But I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I WANT to. I do NOT want to live my life this way. But I do NOT know what to do right now. There's no instruction manual telling me how to deal with death and grief as an adult. I don't know how to process this because every other time I have gone through these things in my life I was young enough to just let the world move on around me and just give myself time to feel it all and get myself back to a point where I'm not living on constant autopilot. I know that this is my issue right now, and I know that this is not how I want to be living my life. I just honestly and truthfully have zero idea how to get myself out of this one.

I'm a bit lost if you can't tell. I am looking for a way out of this abyss that I have found myself lost in, but there is no clear exit sign. I am going to have to fight my way out of this one, and I am almost starting to feel as though maybe this one will require some professional help. I'm just not okay. I hate to admit that, because even in my darkest of times in the past I would look anyone dead in the eye and say "I'm okay" even when I didn't think I would ever get there again. But now? I can't do that. I can't even try to play that off. I'm just. Not.

I think that's okay though? No one has to be alright 100% of the time. I will figure this out one way or another, I just really might need some help this time.

Sorry about the completely random ramble session this turned into wherein I'm sure I just waffled around in circles and made little to no sense whatsoever, but I just needed to get some of that out.

I hope you're doing a bit better at navigating your life than I am right now. >.<

-Until.