But I'll Tell You All About it When I See You Again...

It has sincerely been far too long since I have sat down to write something on this blog. This place was always my escape and the one place that I went to when I just needed to try and riddle things out when they felt too messy to talk about out loud. I was searching for a community of people to connect with on here, and I seemed to have come up dry in that respect, but then realized that it really didn't matter whether or not people actually stumbled across my page because it just helped in general to have an outlet for the things in my mind. Things have been very cloudy in my head for the last few years, and I am incredibly disappointed that it has taken me this long to realize what I have been missing. I need to start blogging again.

I have been through a LOT in the last couple years since I last logged in here to check in. I have made new friends who have made a huge difference in my world, and I have lost a few key friendships that I never saw myself going without. It is hard for me to type that, as I know exactly what I mean by it, and yet I am still so effected by the fact that these few people are no longer in my life that I can't even bring myself to type them. They would just be too difficult to read again. I have gone through losing all three of my jobs in one fell swoop, to finding a way to support myself doing the thing that I love the most, which is writing. I started a little freelance business and was actually starting to gain a lot of business and got incredibly excited at the prospect that this is what I could really do for the rest of my life. That didn't end well. I had to put everything that I was doing on the back burner for a while, as my grandmother fell ill and I needed to step up to take care of her like she had taken care of me for my entire life. I found myself in a very scary world of "Get her better, just get her better. She'll be fine if I just focus and put my all into getting her better." I was so stuck in this world that I really didn't realize how bad things were. She passed away in November of 2015. It has almost been 6 months and it is not an exaggeration to state that I am STILL trying to figure out where to go in my life now. There are a million and one things that I need to do, and a million more things that I have to have help accomplishing... I wish I knew where to begin.

I am sort of floundering and grasping at straws at the moment, but I know that she raised me well enough to make it through this one as well. I will figure it all out one way or another. I just have to find my starting point. This all seems in vain because I know myself well enough to know that I haven't really even allowed myself to feel this loss wholeheartedly yet. I know that I will fall apart. I know that I am going to be a wreck over this. I know that there are a lot of feelings that I need to go through before I can allow myself to even begin to put the pieces back together, but I also know that unlike back when I lost the rest of my little family unit (13 when my dad passed away and 17 when my Grampa passed) I am an adult this time, and I have responsibilities. There are things that I need to make sure are squared away before I can allow myself to fall apart, so I need to keep it together until I can accomplish that. I will figure it all out.

In other news, I got a really good job. A job which will make the sudden need to pay for a mortgage and the gas, electric, and all other household bills actually possible. A job that will eventually help me put a dent the upwards of $75,000 worth of debt that I have inherited 50% of. A job that I can't go back to for at least another 6 weeks. Why you ask? Because clumsy lucky Angel managed to step off of a curb incorrectly on her way into work and rolled and twisted her ankle into a hairline fracture and the most unflattering boot known to man. YAAAAAAAAAY for incoordination.

So, for now- I am doing alright. I am still kicking, and I am going to get back into this blogging thing.

Did you read this? Blogger has told me that I have 6 followers, but I am not sure if these followers are actual people or if they are just my old blogs and friends that I have coaxed into creating an account here in hopes to have a common place where we can all vent and spend time with one another. I have spent most of my free time in the last... I don't know. 8 years or so on Tumblr... I love it over there and I have almost 3,000 followers on that blog. I just wanted a place where I could make more detailed recollections of the goings on in my day to day life, so its time to attempt to re-vamp here. I am going to be better at this. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Did you make it through this? Are you new here? Did the post that I have yet to make but will momentarily make on tumblr get you here? What would you like to talk about? Give me some topics maybe? Let me know how you are feeling today. Tell me a story. Be my new best friend?

I am always looking for new distractions from this ridiculous amount of cloudy mess I am under right now, and new friends are always the best kind of distraction for me.


Please don't be shy. Let me know!!!


-Until.

If You Don't Know Where You're Going...

...Any road will get you there.


I should be asleep. I should be taking advantage of some of the very few minutes of down time I've got before I rush off to job #2, and I should be doing so by sleeping. I can't function properly while sleep deprived. This is no good, seeing as I am ALWAYS sleep deprived as of late. - This being one of the main reasons that I have neglected my blog again. Recent talk on facebook about one of my Aunts wanting to take to the Internet with her thoughts reminded me that I too have a blog... one that I used to use as a personal journal because I was convinced that no one was ever going to read it. This, is not that blog.. this one has basically been for me to complain. A place for me to bitch about all of the silly or mundane things going on around me. It's been a very long road indeed. My life is much different now than it was when I first started this thing... but I don't really know how I could have done anything differently. I'll just have to be okay with the way things are turning out and roll with it. What else is there? There's really no going back in life. And even if that were a possibility I don't think that I would be one to choose to take advantage of this luxury. I don't want to live my life over again. I don't want to have to lose the ones I've lost a 2nd time... no matter if I could spend another day with them or another 20 years with them. I don't want to feel the pain of losing them another time around. No thank you. Call me crazy for thinking this, I don't care. Really... you're allowed to think what you will. But my opinion will not be altered. I just don't want to go back for anything. I believe that you live the life you live for a reason.. You are who you are because in the grand scheme of things, that's who you were supposed to me. So, that being said... I'm me. I'm a 21 year old "mother" of two wonderful (and sometimes annoying) teenagers who I love with all my heart. I have been with my boyfriend for well over 3 years now and through all of our ups and downs I am proud to report that we are doing really well. I love him more than words could ever come close to making sense of. There are still things in my life that I will be on here to bitch about... because my family has been doing nothing but bugging the hell out of me for the last few months. No, I don't want a do-over... I do not want to go back in time. Because all of the things that I have been through are what make my life MINE. No one else's.


I work too many hours in a day to even be able to promise regular updates, but that being said.... I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Hello Blogger Buddies...


Did you miss me?


-Until.