Whisper Sweet Nothings in My Ear.

Or, Don't talk to me... either one works I suppose.

Have you ever had so many things on your mind at once that you just couldn't handle it all anymore? This is what I am suffering from right now, and I am nowhere nearer getting to sleep like my boyfriend than I was when we closed the door to our own hotel room. This I don't know how the hell I feel tonight. It's really strange because I know for a fact that I'm probably coming across as bitchy, or just plain annoying. I have been working on myself a lot lately, and I haven't felt like I have annoyed anyone in quite a while. But the second I get back into the same room with him it all goes back. It's something like doubt I suppose? I read a quote earlier that said something along the lines of "Distance doesn't end the relationship, doubts do" which is incredibly true in my opinion. I know that I'm not doubting my relationship with him, I am simply doubting my ability to make him see that I have changed. I'm not the same person that he left behind all those months ago. And in doubting this, I am being JUST like I was all those months ago. It's like a vicious cycle. I want nothing more than to break myself of this cycle though. And I thought that I knew where to start... But somehow, I panicked I didn't know what to do when I got to be alone with him again. Resort to sex. Awesome sex. BUT then what? I don't want to go to sleep because I still have all these things on my mind. Things that I need to talk out because I need some semblance of reassurance. Some semblance of normalcy. How do I attain this though. He seems different, but exactly the same on the other hand. What do I do about this? Where does the relationship go? What are things going to be like when we get home? Are things ever going to feel like home again? Okay... that last one was a little extreme... I'll admit. I really didn't mean it like that. I just meant- I'm being impatient. I wanted everything to be settled down instantly. Which was nothing but a pipe dream in the first place, but hey. What else was I supposed to do?!!!? I love this boy more than anything and I sincerely want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do I get it through his head that I just need him to be there? I just need to feel connected to someone because as good as I've been doing lately, I feel like I would be so much farther along in this process if I just had a connection. This is not all to say that he and I are falling apart or anything. By any means. I just have all of these internal goals about where I want to be in my persuit of happiness and self, that I am under intense pressure to succeed, and it's all my fault. For the first time ever. I am the one holding the reins, and I am the one calling the shots. But, times like this when I can do nothing but sit at my computer and try to ignore the fact that I am slipping a bit... I start to feel like I have put a little too much on my own plate. Like I bit off more than I could chew. Like my eyes were bigger than my stomach. In over my Goddamn head.

And the shittiest part about it all? I'm probably dead wrong. Things are probably perfectly fine. It is more than likely just my own brain acting up on me that is making me act this way... But the fact that I feel as though I projected myself in the wrong light? Gave the wrong impression? When all I wanted to do tonight was further solidify the fact that I was doing really well? Yeah... This fucking stings. Why do I do this to myself?

I guess this will be another lesson in letting things go... especially when I know that It's more than likely that this is all in my head.

Let's see how well i do huh?

p.s. I am REALLY happy to have him back. Becausr no matter how crazy things are inside my head right now, eventually everything will go back to how they were supposed to be.

Trust.

It's the key, and right now... I trust myself.