Who am I? Who are you?

Once again I have managed to 100% abandon this blog. The one place that used to get me through everything that I ever went through... The one place I felt comfortable venting all of my issues. Mostly because I was very sure that no one in the world would read about them, but also because on the off chance that someone did- maybe that person would understand where I am coming from.

My life is different now. I feel like a new person all together, and yet I also feel like I don't really exist at all anymore. Is that weird? Probably.

I lost my Grama. She's gone now, and she was really all I had left of the family that I was raised in. The remainder of my "family" are sincerely not making this loss any easier for me, though to be fair there is not really anything that they could do to make it any easier. They could just be a bit less... terrible. That might help. I have caught myself looking around and trying to decipher what is going on around me and it all seems like this huge blur.

Loss is not an easy thing to cope with. I thought I knew this very well. I thought that I was a pro at dealing with losing the people closest to me. My dad's been gone for a very long time now, and my grandfather followed almost 4 years to the day after that. What's so different about this time? Why does this hurt so differently? Is it because my Grama had remained a constant in my life? Is it because she is the one who picked me back up after every other bad in my life and set me back on my feet with a "I love you, and I know this is hard but we have to do this together. It's us against the world now." ? Is that the difference? I feel like it is all of the above and then some. I am floundering right now, and apparently those around me can see it on my face. My doctor was able to pick up on the cloud of depression encasing me to the point that when I walked in there for him to check out my ankle to tell me if I can go back to work yet I walked out of there with some Anti-Depression and Anti-Anxiety meds. I haven't been on these in a LOT of years.

I think maybe the way I am feeling is because I am an adult now. I can no longer cope with things by locking everything away and taking my time to just stop living in the real world until I have at least begun to process this all. I now have responsibilities that I have never had to deal with before. I now have a million things to do on a day to day basis, but I also have to be the deciding factor in real-estate decisions, and ally kinds of other mumbo jumbo. Grama left me here to deal with all of this, and I genuinely feel like she was only holding on as long as she did because she wanted me to be a bit older and more capable of taking on the world head on.

I think that I am going to be okay, but for the life of me I don't even really know which direction to start walking in. I am a bit lost right now. I will figure it all out eventually, but I'm sure that I will need a bit more help along the way.

Do you have things in your life causing you to feel like you're going to crumble? Do you have a million and one reasons why you are feeling the way that you are? Have you lost someone or many someones who were you life? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone out here. Things are intense. How do you do it?

Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday. What is the difference anymore?

I have SINCERELY been having a bit of an internal crisis lately I have been out of work for the last month because I sprained my ankle, and thanks to that I have NO money coming in. Luckily for my I have a boyfriend who gives a damn, because at least my bills are getting paid for the most part. The real problem here is the fact that I can feel myself spiraling. I know that I have managed to repress a LOT of things in the last 6 months, and I know that I will never get around to moving on with my life if I don't deal with them asap. But I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I WANT to. I do NOT want to live my life this way. But I do NOT know what to do right now. There's no instruction manual telling me how to deal with death and grief as an adult. I don't know how to process this because every other time I have gone through these things in my life I was young enough to just let the world move on around me and just give myself time to feel it all and get myself back to a point where I'm not living on constant autopilot. I know that this is my issue right now, and I know that this is not how I want to be living my life. I just honestly and truthfully have zero idea how to get myself out of this one.

I'm a bit lost if you can't tell. I am looking for a way out of this abyss that I have found myself lost in, but there is no clear exit sign. I am going to have to fight my way out of this one, and I am almost starting to feel as though maybe this one will require some professional help. I'm just not okay. I hate to admit that, because even in my darkest of times in the past I would look anyone dead in the eye and say "I'm okay" even when I didn't think I would ever get there again. But now? I can't do that. I can't even try to play that off. I'm just. Not.

I think that's okay though? No one has to be alright 100% of the time. I will figure this out one way or another, I just really might need some help this time.

Sorry about the completely random ramble session this turned into wherein I'm sure I just waffled around in circles and made little to no sense whatsoever, but I just needed to get some of that out.

I hope you're doing a bit better at navigating your life than I am right now. >.<

-Until.

Looking for Help is Difficult.

I have been attempting to find someone who can help me fix this place up. My blog needs to be revamped because it looks... Kind of like I made the template when I was around 16. Which is more than likely the case. Anyone out there fancy giving me a hand? I swear I knew what I was doing once upon a time. I am not sure what my brain did with all of the html info I used to have stored. *sigh* third world problems.

But I'll Tell You All About it When I See You Again...

It has sincerely been far too long since I have sat down to write something on this blog. This place was always my escape and the one place that I went to when I just needed to try and riddle things out when they felt too messy to talk about out loud. I was searching for a community of people to connect with on here, and I seemed to have come up dry in that respect, but then realized that it really didn't matter whether or not people actually stumbled across my page because it just helped in general to have an outlet for the things in my mind. Things have been very cloudy in my head for the last few years, and I am incredibly disappointed that it has taken me this long to realize what I have been missing. I need to start blogging again.

I have been through a LOT in the last couple years since I last logged in here to check in. I have made new friends who have made a huge difference in my world, and I have lost a few key friendships that I never saw myself going without. It is hard for me to type that, as I know exactly what I mean by it, and yet I am still so effected by the fact that these few people are no longer in my life that I can't even bring myself to type them. They would just be too difficult to read again. I have gone through losing all three of my jobs in one fell swoop, to finding a way to support myself doing the thing that I love the most, which is writing. I started a little freelance business and was actually starting to gain a lot of business and got incredibly excited at the prospect that this is what I could really do for the rest of my life. That didn't end well. I had to put everything that I was doing on the back burner for a while, as my grandmother fell ill and I needed to step up to take care of her like she had taken care of me for my entire life. I found myself in a very scary world of "Get her better, just get her better. She'll be fine if I just focus and put my all into getting her better." I was so stuck in this world that I really didn't realize how bad things were. She passed away in November of 2015. It has almost been 6 months and it is not an exaggeration to state that I am STILL trying to figure out where to go in my life now. There are a million and one things that I need to do, and a million more things that I have to have help accomplishing... I wish I knew where to begin.

I am sort of floundering and grasping at straws at the moment, but I know that she raised me well enough to make it through this one as well. I will figure it all out one way or another. I just have to find my starting point. This all seems in vain because I know myself well enough to know that I haven't really even allowed myself to feel this loss wholeheartedly yet. I know that I will fall apart. I know that I am going to be a wreck over this. I know that there are a lot of feelings that I need to go through before I can allow myself to even begin to put the pieces back together, but I also know that unlike back when I lost the rest of my little family unit (13 when my dad passed away and 17 when my Grampa passed) I am an adult this time, and I have responsibilities. There are things that I need to make sure are squared away before I can allow myself to fall apart, so I need to keep it together until I can accomplish that. I will figure it all out.

In other news, I got a really good job. A job which will make the sudden need to pay for a mortgage and the gas, electric, and all other household bills actually possible. A job that will eventually help me put a dent the upwards of $75,000 worth of debt that I have inherited 50% of. A job that I can't go back to for at least another 6 weeks. Why you ask? Because clumsy lucky Angel managed to step off of a curb incorrectly on her way into work and rolled and twisted her ankle into a hairline fracture and the most unflattering boot known to man. YAAAAAAAAAY for incoordination.

So, for now- I am doing alright. I am still kicking, and I am going to get back into this blogging thing.

Did you read this? Blogger has told me that I have 6 followers, but I am not sure if these followers are actual people or if they are just my old blogs and friends that I have coaxed into creating an account here in hopes to have a common place where we can all vent and spend time with one another. I have spent most of my free time in the last... I don't know. 8 years or so on Tumblr... I love it over there and I have almost 3,000 followers on that blog. I just wanted a place where I could make more detailed recollections of the goings on in my day to day life, so its time to attempt to re-vamp here. I am going to be better at this. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Did you make it through this? Are you new here? Did the post that I have yet to make but will momentarily make on tumblr get you here? What would you like to talk about? Give me some topics maybe? Let me know how you are feeling today. Tell me a story. Be my new best friend?

I am always looking for new distractions from this ridiculous amount of cloudy mess I am under right now, and new friends are always the best kind of distraction for me.


Please don't be shy. Let me know!!!


-Until.

I hope you are all doing well.

No one reads my blog anyway, I don't really know what this post is about. But I feel like this blog is an old friend of mine and I start to feel guilty when I realize that I haven't posted anything on it in a long time. Oh well I suppose. The cool part about this blog being a friend is the fact that it can't get angry at me. Gotta love a friend without bias. 

Another more detailed update to follow.

<3

What is going on with my life?

Lately things seem incredibly out of hand. I have been trying my damnedest to figure out where things went wrong, and what I need to do to get everything back on track. It's not going as well as I had hoped. 

Maybe at some point inspiration will strike and all will be riddled out.  I wish there was a Reparo charm for my life. 

Wishful thinking right? 23 years old and I am still waiting on my owl to arrive from Hogwarts. 

>.< if you need me, I'll be reading. It's really all I have been doing lately.

-Until.

I just realized how long it has been since I have posted anything on here. >.< Whoops.

Things have been pretty crazy for me as of late. Thinking about too many things at once at the moment. What is going on with my life? 3 jobs to no jobs is NO fucking joke. =/ I wish I knew where to go from here. I suppose I will figure it out eventually, right? Sure, Angel... You just keep telling yourself that. >.< -Until.

I hate waiting rooms.

Waiting rooms are incredibly uncomfortable, I don't know how to sit in this damn chair without it trying to hurt me in some way shape or form. 

My Grama is okay though. She is out of surgery and in recovery right now, and I can go see her soon, 

This post is long overdue, and I feel bad that the only reason I am writing it is because I am trying to kill time while I sit here. Hospitals make me seriously antsy, I don't know what else to do with my hands. =\

Here's hoping that I figure it out.

And soon.

Uggggggggh.

I feel terrible, buuuuuut I need to clean my house. >.< my WHOLE house. It really needs to happen. Today. Stat. 

Me, Me, Me.... do you remember these things?

All About Me In 80 Questions!!!!!!
Basics
name:	Angel
nickname:	No one has ever been successful in giving me a nickname..
age:	22
b-day:	1/24/91
birthplace:	Rockbottom
current location:	Same place I have lived since I was born.
eyecolor:	is never the same two days in a row
hair color:	Currently Purple, Red, Brown, and Black
peircings:	I believe I only have about 7 left... but I used to have about 27.
tattoos:	Currently?...9.
boyfriend/girlfriend:	Dylan
siblings:	David and Bradley
Favs
color:	Purple
music:	yes please.
sport:	no thank you.
holiday:	are difficult without them.
food:	bleh... I need to go on a diet,
number:	13.
movie:	Right now... Stand By Me... or Now and Then.
celebrity:	I think it is pointless to have a favorite celebrity
place:	under my Bankie.
drink:	Cherry Pepsi.
day of week:	Monday.
month:	October.
city:	Las Vegas.
animal:	Cat.
time of day:	Middle of the Night.
smell:	old books.
t.v. channel:	Ion.
song:	Your Guardian Angel.
This Or That
hugs or kisses:	Both.
pepsi or coke:	Coke.
mcdonalds or burger king:	McDonalds.
chocolate or vanilla:	Vanilla.
lover or fighter:	Both.
friends or family:	My friends are my family.
love or money:	Love.
listen to someone talk ot talking:	I am a good listener, but I need to vent sometimes too.
personality or looks:	Personality.
magazines or comics:	Comics.
pop star or word up:	As in the Korn song?
Love
are you in luv:	Yes.
have you ever been in luv:	A couple times.
ddo you believe in love at first sight:	I believe in Love at first laugh,
longest relationship:	4 years and still going strong.
kiss on first date:	It depends.
ever cheated on someone(be honest):	No.
Random
do you do drugs:	No.
do you drink:	At times.
do you have any regrets:	Many.
want to get married:	Of Course.
want kids:	I do.
do you believe in yourself:	most of the time.
last movie you saw at the movies? was it good:	Warm Bodies. It was pretty good actually.
can you handle the truth:	Always. Especially better than I can handle a lie.
biggest fear:	Losing her.
most missed memory:	My happy family.
first thought waking up:	Ouch.
how do you want to die:	In my sleep. Like my daddy.
do you get along with your parents:	My dad was my best friend... and my mom and I are doing way better now that we have in the past.
do you swear:	like a sailor.
do you have a pet:	I have 3 dogs and a Cat. And I just lost my Prairie Dog Loonah. She was amazing.
have you ever passed out:	Yes.
do you party:	Sometimes. The older I get the harder I find it to let loose.
do you get good grades:	I used to...
Do You Believe In
god:	Sometimes.
religion:	Not the organized kind.
aliens:	If human beings are the most advanced lifeforms in the universe- this universe is fucked.
ghost:	in a sense.
afterlife:	I would hate to think that you just DIE.. and then that is it for you.
myself:	right now? yes.
karma:	Karma is truth.
magic:	Love is Magic.
In a Boy
eye color:	Blue, Green, Grey.
hair color:	It doesn't really matter.
short or long hair:	Long hair... but I am dating a military man... so the buzz cut will have to do.
height:	taller than my 5'1 at least.
peircings or tattoos:	Sure.
just cute or sexy:	both. I think that cute is sexy.
hobbies:	anything interesting.
one girl man:	please.

Captivating Collage and Crinkled Cryptics?

Things have been extremely... Interesting lately.

I lost one of my jobs and I quit one of them.

I only have one job now, but I am actually happy about it.


Seems like all I really needed to do was to STOP...

take a breather for a while.


We'll see how this goes.

I'll keep you posted.


Until,

Angel

That Dreamers Often Lie...

Everyone has dreams and hopes for the future... Everyone has things that they have hoped for since they were young. I wanted to graduate, go to college and become a grief counselor for kids like me... I wanted to get married and have a few kids and live a long and happy life with my family. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was little, and when I realized how much training and work would seriously be involved I was even more interested. But then I changed my mind again and decided that I was more interested in astronomy. I really wanted to study the stars... And space in general. I was going to write tons of books and share my vast knowledge with the world, maybe even discover an alien race or something... Because even as a small child I realized that if we as human beings are the most advanced life forms in the universe that the entire universe is fucked. I wanted to do everything all at once. I wanted to be a kick boxer, and a dancer and a cheerleader. But I was basically bullied into the realization that none of that was going to happen for me. Someone took those dreams away from me and I just let it happen. I flushed them all down the toilet because I had let someone talk me into thinking less of myself that what I am... What I was, and what I always have been. I could have done every single one of those things... COULD HAVE. Could still do some of them if I started now. But what I have learned over the last year or so is that over time, your dreams change. They change according to the people you are around, and they change according to who and what you become. They change because of the decisions that you make. Every single day. What do I dream of now? Nothing. I can't bring myself to see past my simple dream if wanting to be out of pain. I want to be pain free. I want to wake up and go for a jog and not come home crying. I want to get out of bed, walk down my stairs and into my bathroom and back without flinching or actual tears coming to my eyes. I want to dance again. I want to go back to the gym... But even if that is not possible for me anymore, I would at the very least settle for just being okay. I want to be able to lay in bed next to my boyfriend and not cry because I can't even turn over to cuddle with him without being in some really immense pain. I want to go to work, at my stupid desk job where all I do all day is get bitched at by stupid customers who blame you for things that are not your fault, and I want to be able to sit in a chair. That's all. I want to be able to stand for longer that 1 minute without feeling like there are a million knives stabbing their way up and down my spine. I want to just BE. I want to be allowed to live. It no longer matters to me anymore if any of my other dreams come true because what is the point if I am going to be in pain through it all?!!!? That is the most depressing part of all of this... The fact that it is just as simple as, I want to stop hurting. But that seems so infinitesimally impossible. Why? Can YOU tell me? You'd probably have a better answer for me than all of the doctors that I have been to. Sincerely... What is this world coming to?!! Talk about the American Dream.... Go on, talk about it.

"Are you real?"

"He must be real... He's crying."

"I feel alive when I'm with you."

"You're the best thing in my life"

You really figure out who your true friends are when you are sick and hurting. As of late, sick and hurting has been the definition of my life.

I have found myself quite a few times in the past few years thinking... Why doesn't he show that he cares more? Why isn't he more affectionate?! What am I doing wrong? What is going on... Really. But if I think about it now, there really was no cause for concern. He wasn't babying me, but he obviously cares for me otherwise he would have been gone a long time ago. Something has kept him around. And after this last week, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he is as in love with me as I am with him.

I'm sick. Really sick. Like stomach flu, can't keep a damn thing in my stomach to save my life type of sick. This is no fun at all, but seeing how he has reacted to be being so ill has made something new spark in me. He was scared shitless when I called him and said I needed to go to the emergency room, and he has done all be could go be there for me and take care of me ever since then. Guys are weird. I don't know what it is about this time that is different, but something definitely is. I love that he is being so nice to me.

I know that after I'm better he will probably go back to ignoring me for video games and the like and being mean to me just for the hell of it sometimes, but I'm going to do all I can to make sure he knows that I see him. And I really appreciate what hems done for me lately.

=P it's a funny feeling, being in love.

Until.

(Trust me, I know this probably doesn't make sense to you if you're reading it, and if you know me at all, you should know that a blog for me is not something you should look too deeply into. I'm just rambling and I have no filter. Nor do I explain myself very often. Oh well, that's probably why this is my blog, and also probably why no one but me reads it.)

Long time gone.

Soon i'll be getting a wallet case for my galaxy. This means that I will have it places, so maybe i'll be able to make use of my blogger more often again? That'd be cool... I miss this place!

The only time I'll get down on my knees for another girl...

...Will be the day I tie a shoelace for our daughter.

This quote made me smile. =)

Never trust anything that can think for itself...

...if you can't see where it keeps it's brain.

Today has been an incredibly long day. Add insult to injury, tomorrow will be worse. =\

The Mini-Me moved out tonight... Now I have a giant mess to clean up, and things to move around, and a whole upstairs to organize. Fun fun. Now- to try and find some time. =P Oy. Cuddle time. Dylan came home a night early. He's too adorable to resist snuggling up to, do i'm going to give in now.

Goodnight world!!!

Until.

Blogger App!!!...

I need a nap.

If You Don't Know Where You're Going...

...Any road will get you there.


I should be asleep. I should be taking advantage of some of the very few minutes of down time I've got before I rush off to job #2, and I should be doing so by sleeping. I can't function properly while sleep deprived. This is no good, seeing as I am ALWAYS sleep deprived as of late. - This being one of the main reasons that I have neglected my blog again. Recent talk on facebook about one of my Aunts wanting to take to the Internet with her thoughts reminded me that I too have a blog... one that I used to use as a personal journal because I was convinced that no one was ever going to read it. This, is not that blog.. this one has basically been for me to complain. A place for me to bitch about all of the silly or mundane things going on around me. It's been a very long road indeed. My life is much different now than it was when I first started this thing... but I don't really know how I could have done anything differently. I'll just have to be okay with the way things are turning out and roll with it. What else is there? There's really no going back in life. And even if that were a possibility I don't think that I would be one to choose to take advantage of this luxury. I don't want to live my life over again. I don't want to have to lose the ones I've lost a 2nd time... no matter if I could spend another day with them or another 20 years with them. I don't want to feel the pain of losing them another time around. No thank you. Call me crazy for thinking this, I don't care. Really... you're allowed to think what you will. But my opinion will not be altered. I just don't want to go back for anything. I believe that you live the life you live for a reason.. You are who you are because in the grand scheme of things, that's who you were supposed to me. So, that being said... I'm me. I'm a 21 year old "mother" of two wonderful (and sometimes annoying) teenagers who I love with all my heart. I have been with my boyfriend for well over 3 years now and through all of our ups and downs I am proud to report that we are doing really well. I love him more than words could ever come close to making sense of. There are still things in my life that I will be on here to bitch about... because my family has been doing nothing but bugging the hell out of me for the last few months. No, I don't want a do-over... I do not want to go back in time. Because all of the things that I have been through are what make my life MINE. No one else's.


I work too many hours in a day to even be able to promise regular updates, but that being said.... I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Hello Blogger Buddies...


Did you miss me?


-Until.

We're All Mad Here.

The last blog that I posted on here was from August 24th of last year. I miss blogging so much, and yet for some reason I can't really keep up with it. I always feel like I need to vent, like i need to let everything out and talk to someone and I pretty much have just been holding it all in. This makes no sense to me. I have this wonderful page here that I can come one and not have to worry about people around me being bothered by all of my problems and bullshit. Things are so much different now that I don't even know where to start to catch this thing up. I think the best way to go about this is to just start all over again. Start fresh. Just pretend that I had been writing in here all along? I don't know what else to do. Okay. Here goes.