Who am I? Who are you?

Once again I have managed to 100% abandon this blog. The one place that used to get me through everything that I ever went through... The one place I felt comfortable venting all of my issues. Mostly because I was very sure that no one in the world would read about them, but also because on the off chance that someone did- maybe that person would understand where I am coming from.

My life is different now. I feel like a new person all together, and yet I also feel like I don't really exist at all anymore. Is that weird? Probably.

I lost my Grama. She's gone now, and she was really all I had left of the family that I was raised in. The remainder of my "family" are sincerely not making this loss any easier for me, though to be fair there is not really anything that they could do to make it any easier. They could just be a bit less... terrible. That might help. I have caught myself looking around and trying to decipher what is going on around me and it all seems like this huge blur.

Loss is not an easy thing to cope with. I thought I knew this very well. I thought that I was a pro at dealing with losing the people closest to me. My dad's been gone for a very long time now, and my grandfather followed almost 4 years to the day after that. What's so different about this time? Why does this hurt so differently? Is it because my Grama had remained a constant in my life? Is it because she is the one who picked me back up after every other bad in my life and set me back on my feet with a "I love you, and I know this is hard but we have to do this together. It's us against the world now." ? Is that the difference? I feel like it is all of the above and then some. I am floundering right now, and apparently those around me can see it on my face. My doctor was able to pick up on the cloud of depression encasing me to the point that when I walked in there for him to check out my ankle to tell me if I can go back to work yet I walked out of there with some Anti-Depression and Anti-Anxiety meds. I haven't been on these in a LOT of years.

I think maybe the way I am feeling is because I am an adult now. I can no longer cope with things by locking everything away and taking my time to just stop living in the real world until I have at least begun to process this all. I now have responsibilities that I have never had to deal with before. I now have a million things to do on a day to day basis, but I also have to be the deciding factor in real-estate decisions, and ally kinds of other mumbo jumbo. Grama left me here to deal with all of this, and I genuinely feel like she was only holding on as long as she did because she wanted me to be a bit older and more capable of taking on the world head on.

I think that I am going to be okay, but for the life of me I don't even really know which direction to start walking in. I am a bit lost right now. I will figure it all out eventually, but I'm sure that I will need a bit more help along the way.

Do you have things in your life causing you to feel like you're going to crumble? Do you have a million and one reasons why you are feeling the way that you are? Have you lost someone or many someones who were you life? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone out here. Things are intense. How do you do it?

Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday. What is the difference anymore?

I have SINCERELY been having a bit of an internal crisis lately I have been out of work for the last month because I sprained my ankle, and thanks to that I have NO money coming in. Luckily for my I have a boyfriend who gives a damn, because at least my bills are getting paid for the most part. The real problem here is the fact that I can feel myself spiraling. I know that I have managed to repress a LOT of things in the last 6 months, and I know that I will never get around to moving on with my life if I don't deal with them asap. But I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I WANT to. I do NOT want to live my life this way. But I do NOT know what to do right now. There's no instruction manual telling me how to deal with death and grief as an adult. I don't know how to process this because every other time I have gone through these things in my life I was young enough to just let the world move on around me and just give myself time to feel it all and get myself back to a point where I'm not living on constant autopilot. I know that this is my issue right now, and I know that this is not how I want to be living my life. I just honestly and truthfully have zero idea how to get myself out of this one.

I'm a bit lost if you can't tell. I am looking for a way out of this abyss that I have found myself lost in, but there is no clear exit sign. I am going to have to fight my way out of this one, and I am almost starting to feel as though maybe this one will require some professional help. I'm just not okay. I hate to admit that, because even in my darkest of times in the past I would look anyone dead in the eye and say "I'm okay" even when I didn't think I would ever get there again. But now? I can't do that. I can't even try to play that off. I'm just. Not.

I think that's okay though? No one has to be alright 100% of the time. I will figure this out one way or another, I just really might need some help this time.

Sorry about the completely random ramble session this turned into wherein I'm sure I just waffled around in circles and made little to no sense whatsoever, but I just needed to get some of that out.

I hope you're doing a bit better at navigating your life than I am right now. >.<

-Until.

Looking for Help is Difficult.

I have been attempting to find someone who can help me fix this place up. My blog needs to be revamped because it looks... Kind of like I made the template when I was around 16. Which is more than likely the case. Anyone out there fancy giving me a hand? I swear I knew what I was doing once upon a time. I am not sure what my brain did with all of the html info I used to have stored. *sigh* third world problems.

But I'll Tell You All About it When I See You Again...

It has sincerely been far too long since I have sat down to write something on this blog. This place was always my escape and the one place that I went to when I just needed to try and riddle things out when they felt too messy to talk about out loud. I was searching for a community of people to connect with on here, and I seemed to have come up dry in that respect, but then realized that it really didn't matter whether or not people actually stumbled across my page because it just helped in general to have an outlet for the things in my mind. Things have been very cloudy in my head for the last few years, and I am incredibly disappointed that it has taken me this long to realize what I have been missing. I need to start blogging again.

I have been through a LOT in the last couple years since I last logged in here to check in. I have made new friends who have made a huge difference in my world, and I have lost a few key friendships that I never saw myself going without. It is hard for me to type that, as I know exactly what I mean by it, and yet I am still so effected by the fact that these few people are no longer in my life that I can't even bring myself to type them. They would just be too difficult to read again. I have gone through losing all three of my jobs in one fell swoop, to finding a way to support myself doing the thing that I love the most, which is writing. I started a little freelance business and was actually starting to gain a lot of business and got incredibly excited at the prospect that this is what I could really do for the rest of my life. That didn't end well. I had to put everything that I was doing on the back burner for a while, as my grandmother fell ill and I needed to step up to take care of her like she had taken care of me for my entire life. I found myself in a very scary world of "Get her better, just get her better. She'll be fine if I just focus and put my all into getting her better." I was so stuck in this world that I really didn't realize how bad things were. She passed away in November of 2015. It has almost been 6 months and it is not an exaggeration to state that I am STILL trying to figure out where to go in my life now. There are a million and one things that I need to do, and a million more things that I have to have help accomplishing... I wish I knew where to begin.

I am sort of floundering and grasping at straws at the moment, but I know that she raised me well enough to make it through this one as well. I will figure it all out one way or another. I just have to find my starting point. This all seems in vain because I know myself well enough to know that I haven't really even allowed myself to feel this loss wholeheartedly yet. I know that I will fall apart. I know that I am going to be a wreck over this. I know that there are a lot of feelings that I need to go through before I can allow myself to even begin to put the pieces back together, but I also know that unlike back when I lost the rest of my little family unit (13 when my dad passed away and 17 when my Grampa passed) I am an adult this time, and I have responsibilities. There are things that I need to make sure are squared away before I can allow myself to fall apart, so I need to keep it together until I can accomplish that. I will figure it all out.

In other news, I got a really good job. A job which will make the sudden need to pay for a mortgage and the gas, electric, and all other household bills actually possible. A job that will eventually help me put a dent the upwards of $75,000 worth of debt that I have inherited 50% of. A job that I can't go back to for at least another 6 weeks. Why you ask? Because clumsy lucky Angel managed to step off of a curb incorrectly on her way into work and rolled and twisted her ankle into a hairline fracture and the most unflattering boot known to man. YAAAAAAAAAY for incoordination.

So, for now- I am doing alright. I am still kicking, and I am going to get back into this blogging thing.

Did you read this? Blogger has told me that I have 6 followers, but I am not sure if these followers are actual people or if they are just my old blogs and friends that I have coaxed into creating an account here in hopes to have a common place where we can all vent and spend time with one another. I have spent most of my free time in the last... I don't know. 8 years or so on Tumblr... I love it over there and I have almost 3,000 followers on that blog. I just wanted a place where I could make more detailed recollections of the goings on in my day to day life, so its time to attempt to re-vamp here. I am going to be better at this. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Did you make it through this? Are you new here? Did the post that I have yet to make but will momentarily make on tumblr get you here? What would you like to talk about? Give me some topics maybe? Let me know how you are feeling today. Tell me a story. Be my new best friend?

I am always looking for new distractions from this ridiculous amount of cloudy mess I am under right now, and new friends are always the best kind of distraction for me.


Please don't be shy. Let me know!!!


-Until.

I hope you are all doing well.

No one reads my blog anyway, I don't really know what this post is about. But I feel like this blog is an old friend of mine and I start to feel guilty when I realize that I haven't posted anything on it in a long time. Oh well I suppose. The cool part about this blog being a friend is the fact that it can't get angry at me. Gotta love a friend without bias. 

Another more detailed update to follow.

<3

What is going on with my life?

Lately things seem incredibly out of hand. I have been trying my damnedest to figure out where things went wrong, and what I need to do to get everything back on track. It's not going as well as I had hoped. 

Maybe at some point inspiration will strike and all will be riddled out.  I wish there was a Reparo charm for my life. 

Wishful thinking right? 23 years old and I am still waiting on my owl to arrive from Hogwarts. 

>.< if you need me, I'll be reading. It's really all I have been doing lately.

-Until.

I just realized how long it has been since I have posted anything on here. >.< Whoops.

Things have been pretty crazy for me as of late. Thinking about too many things at once at the moment. What is going on with my life? 3 jobs to no jobs is NO fucking joke. =/ I wish I knew where to go from here. I suppose I will figure it out eventually, right? Sure, Angel... You just keep telling yourself that. >.< -Until.