Whisper Sweet Nothings in My Ear.

Or, Don't talk to me... either one works I suppose.

Have you ever had so many things on your mind at once that you just couldn't handle it all anymore? This is what I am suffering from right now, and I am nowhere nearer getting to sleep like my boyfriend than I was when we closed the door to our own hotel room. This I don't know how the hell I feel tonight. It's really strange because I know for a fact that I'm probably coming across as bitchy, or just plain annoying. I have been working on myself a lot lately, and I haven't felt like I have annoyed anyone in quite a while. But the second I get back into the same room with him it all goes back. It's something like doubt I suppose? I read a quote earlier that said something along the lines of "Distance doesn't end the relationship, doubts do" which is incredibly true in my opinion. I know that I'm not doubting my relationship with him, I am simply doubting my ability to make him see that I have changed. I'm not the same person that he left behind all those months ago. And in doubting this, I am being JUST like I was all those months ago. It's like a vicious cycle. I want nothing more than to break myself of this cycle though. And I thought that I knew where to start... But somehow, I panicked I didn't know what to do when I got to be alone with him again. Resort to sex. Awesome sex. BUT then what? I don't want to go to sleep because I still have all these things on my mind. Things that I need to talk out because I need some semblance of reassurance. Some semblance of normalcy. How do I attain this though. He seems different, but exactly the same on the other hand. What do I do about this? Where does the relationship go? What are things going to be like when we get home? Are things ever going to feel like home again? Okay... that last one was a little extreme... I'll admit. I really didn't mean it like that. I just meant- I'm being impatient. I wanted everything to be settled down instantly. Which was nothing but a pipe dream in the first place, but hey. What else was I supposed to do?!!!? I love this boy more than anything and I sincerely want to spend the rest of my life with him. How do I get it through his head that I just need him to be there? I just need to feel connected to someone because as good as I've been doing lately, I feel like I would be so much farther along in this process if I just had a connection. This is not all to say that he and I are falling apart or anything. By any means. I just have all of these internal goals about where I want to be in my persuit of happiness and self, that I am under intense pressure to succeed, and it's all my fault. For the first time ever. I am the one holding the reins, and I am the one calling the shots. But, times like this when I can do nothing but sit at my computer and try to ignore the fact that I am slipping a bit... I start to feel like I have put a little too much on my own plate. Like I bit off more than I could chew. Like my eyes were bigger than my stomach. In over my Goddamn head.

And the shittiest part about it all? I'm probably dead wrong. Things are probably perfectly fine. It is more than likely just my own brain acting up on me that is making me act this way... But the fact that I feel as though I projected myself in the wrong light? Gave the wrong impression? When all I wanted to do tonight was further solidify the fact that I was doing really well? Yeah... This fucking stings. Why do I do this to myself?

I guess this will be another lesson in letting things go... especially when I know that It's more than likely that this is all in my head.

Let's see how well i do huh?

p.s. I am REALLY happy to have him back. Becausr no matter how crazy things are inside my head right now, eventually everything will go back to how they were supposed to be.

Trust.

It's the key, and right now... I trust myself.

Inebriation, Intoxication, and Interesting Conversation.

Lastnight was... a night. Drank, Laughed, Cried, got Angry... basically it was a roller coaster of sorts. I needed that. It had been far too long since the last time that I felt that I could just let go and say whatever the hell was on my mind. I won't say that I feel like it's something that I need to do more often, because drinking REALLY isn't my thing... But lastnight was most certainly a positive and I am happy to have finally gotten so much crap off of my chest in such a judge-free environment.

I love my Bestfriend.

I love everyone around me... but right now?

Bestfriend wins. <3

Lightning Bolts, Dreams, and the Number 13.

13 Years... I believe it was sometime in September of 1998 and I was 7 years old. I can remember sitting in the living room with my grandpa and seeing something mentioned on whatever news station that he was watching about a book that was being released in the US about a boy who discovers that he is a wizard. My Grampa used to read with me every single night. I loved it, and I can remember most tiny details of the nights spent sitting on the arm of his chair trying to figure out what certain words meant and just LEARNING. I probably learned more sitting on the arm of that chair than I ever did at school. Even so, the day that Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was released I was immersed. GONE completely wrapped up in the wizarding world and never seen again. I have never been ashamed to admit that my favorite book series is Harry Potter and I have always been proud to say that I've been reading the books and waiting for the movies ever since the very first day the books started coming out. But Harry Potter has always been about so much more than that to me. My dad loved the stories as well. I read the books TO him because he didn't really like to read, but liked the stories and- let's face it... I was a bookworm. I always had my nose in a book growing up. The last thing that I ever got to go do with both of my parents together was seeing the premier of the first Harry Potter movie ( spent half of the time elbowing my mom because she was missing the best parts and i was offended that she could be falling asleep during such an amazing movie) but I loved it. My dad loved it, and he would take me to whatever Harry Potter events came to town, just because it was something for us to do together. Harry Potter exhibits, Harry Potter Nights at the Library... book releases... anything really. And when my dad died? I had no idea what to do. One of the last conversations that I can remember having with my dad though was about how I got completely immersed in the books. In the movies as well, but reading the books was such an incredible experience. I got lost in them. And luckily for me, I did. Dealing with losing my dad at 13 years old was the hardest thing... I had lost my Dad and Mr.Mom as well, but I had also lost my bestfriend. The person who I had spent about 95% of my waking hours with... He was gone. I had to get lost in someting. What kept me sane? What kept me moving in the right direction? What helped me cope? Reading. Leaving this world behind and going to spend time with Harry and the Weasleys and just being happy somewhere else. I threw myself into a whole new world where I didn't have to deal with all of the difficulties of the world that I really belonged to. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense to whoever may be reading this, but I have been shaped for the better by this story and everything that comes with it. I have strengthened a relationship with my father that was way too short to begin with, formed friendships with people who otherwise wouldn't have spared me a second glance and just basically been happier because I have discovered this world. 13 years out of 20 is a very big portion of ones life to spend anticipating something new out of ONE story. But, It's all over now. Done. The series has been completed... But for me, Harry Potter will live on forever.

Laugh if you want to, I don't mind.

Mischief Managed, indeed.

Pennies, Dimes, and Three Days Time!!!... 0_o

In three days time I will be in Georgia. With my boyfriend. Who has been gone for over 2 months now. I am extrememly excited for this trip, and incredibly nervous all at once. I have never traveled all alone before. This is sure to be an interesting experiance. Especially because I got screwed over and am now almost $400 in the hole. This week has not gone as well as I wish it would have. =/ All in all though, things are good for me lately. The only thing that would make my life infinitely easier is if I could somehow find a second job. I need a better way to support this family. Nothing seems like enough even though I feel like I KILL myself at work every morning. I am proud of myself though. I really, and truely can say that now. This is new for me. =P

best of all, i feel as though my Dad and my Grandpa would be proud of me because I really am trying to get it together and do as much as humanly possible to take care of everyone around me. Once again though... if only that were enough.. Does that make sense?

My life is a wonderful thing. I have had the honor to meet some of the most amazing people that have ever walked this planet. I will continue to live my life in the mold that my father built for me and it will pay off in time. I just know it will.

Until-

Mischief Managed.

Daddy Day...Anyways.

When I was younger, we would talk for hours just about what we thought the future would hold. You were going to win the lottery and build Grama and Grampa a new house and put a house for us in the back yard. Along with a custom Roller Coaster and every single one of our favorite carnival rides. I was going to be an astronaut and a magician and a writer. I had finally settled on the fact that I wanted to be an astronomer. You bought me a telescope and told me that no matter what, you were going to see to it that I had every opportunity to make my dreams come true. To help me reach my goals and accomplish anything I set my mind to. "the world is ours for the taking and all we need is eachother" it was all a wonderful idea. Now, instead of having someone to talk crazy schemes of the future with, I'm working my butt off at FedEx and trying to do my best to take care of those around me, paycheck to paycheck. I can't hangout with my friends or play video games or anything of that nature and it confuses me... Because I can remember you having 3 jobs at once and still finding time for family and friends. And me. ALWAYS time for me. Back then, all I ever wanted was to make you proud of me. Now, even though I know you'd be really proud of me- I feel like it's undeserved. I know that I am a good person, and I have a very big heart. That is because it's how you raised me. At least until I was 13. Now, things just get crazier and crazier. I don't know how to handle it all anymore, and I also don't know how to STOP handling it. It's a curse.

Back then, I would run to you to talk about anything and everything... But let's face it. 13 year olds don't exactly have MONUMENTAL issues to discuss. The first really big thing that ever happened to me- was losing you. Go figure huh? The first time I ever had a ginormous thing to come and talk to you about... And you're the only person I can't go to?! "just my luck" is what you'd say to that. So much has happened since then. I had to figure out how to deal with the world on my own. ME against the World instead of US. And I learned something about myself. I'm STRONG. I can handle it all. I do have bad days.. I miss you like crazy ALL the time still... And it's been over 7 years. Now Grampa's gone too?!! At the risk of sounding fairly childish and annoying. THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!! =\

I know, I know, everything is going to be alright... That's what everyone always says. I know by now that things are going to be okay. If I can make it through 7 years without you... Things are going to be okay. I'm always going to have bad days here and there... Like when someday in the future when I get married, have kids, go to college, make something of myself, even just random days when I want to remember everything I can about you. Like why I got your picture tattoo'd on my arm. But now there have been more good days than bad and it's been this way for quite some time now. I know you'd be happy about that.

It still bums me out sometimes that a very large portion of my friends never got a chance to know you. They never got to see how amazing you really were. They just have to go by what I tell them. Even my boyfriend. He's never met you but he says that he thinks he can say he knows you just because he knows me. And we all know what a big impact you are on my character.

So, once again... Instead of a father's day gift to give you and take you out somewhere- I'll be buying flowers to take to the cemetery and probably sit there in the peace and quiet for a while. This has grown to be a bit of a tradition for me.

Happy Father's Day!!! To the most AMAZING Person I've ever encountered. I miss you like crazy. Kiss Grampa for me and tell him Happy Daddy Day as well?

I love you Daddy,

Turkey.

Prairie Pups and Long Distance Loves...

79 more days until my Dylan comes home. He's almost been gone for 50 days. I miss him like crazy right now. Things are gonna be okay though =) I promise.

Blogger Apps and Reeeeal Long Naps..

Found a blogger app on the android market. Now i'm trying to type this blog with the swype thingamagig. It's really not going too well... But I'm almost certain that this is one of those practice makes perfect things. Well...maybe...