Everyone has dreams and hopes for the future... Everyone has things that they have hoped for since they were young. I wanted to graduate, go to college and become a grief counselor for kids like me... I wanted to get married and have a few kids and live a long and happy life with my family. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was little, and when I realized how much training and work would seriously be involved I was even more interested. But then I changed my mind again and decided that I was more interested in astronomy. I really wanted to study the stars... And space in general. I was going to write tons of books and share my vast knowledge with the world, maybe even discover an alien race or something... Because even as a small child I realized that if we as human beings are the most advanced life forms in the universe that the entire universe is fucked. I wanted to do everything all at once. I wanted to be a kick boxer, and a dancer and a cheerleader. But I was basically bullied into the realization that none of that was going to happen for me. Someone took those dreams away from me and I just let it happen. I flushed them all down the toilet because I had let someone talk me into thinking less of myself that what I am... What I was, and what I always have been. I could have done every single one of those things... COULD HAVE. Could still do some of them if I started now. But what I have learned over the last year or so is that over time, your dreams change. They change according to the people you are around, and they change according to who and what you become. They change because of the decisions that you make. Every single day. What do I dream of now? Nothing. I can't bring myself to see past my simple dream if wanting to be out of pain. I want to be pain free. I want to wake up and go for a jog and not come home crying. I want to get out of bed, walk down my stairs and into my bathroom and back without flinching or actual tears coming to my eyes. I want to dance again. I want to go back to the gym... But even if that is not possible for me anymore, I would at the very least settle for just being okay. I want to be able to lay in bed next to my boyfriend and not cry because I can't even turn over to cuddle with him without being in some really immense pain. I want to go to work, at my stupid desk job where all I do all day is get bitched at by stupid customers who blame you for things that are not your fault, and I want to be able to sit in a chair. That's all. I want to be able to stand for longer that 1 minute without feeling like there are a million knives stabbing their way up and down my spine. I want to just BE. I want to be allowed to live. It no longer matters to me anymore if any of my other dreams come true because what is the point if I am going to be in pain through it all?!!!? That is the most depressing part of all of this... The fact that it is just as simple as, I want to stop hurting. But that seems so infinitesimally impossible. Why? Can YOU tell me? You'd probably have a better answer for me than all of the doctors that I have been to. Sincerely... What is this world coming to?!! Talk about the American Dream.... Go on, talk about it.
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