It would be very nice to sit here and say "hey, read my blog... i know things... and i have a lot of meaningful opinions..." but i really don't know much more that the fact that i don't know much. My opinions usually don't mean much of anything. my opinions seem to turn into mush the second that they are formed.
Oh well i guess... no one reads this thing anyways.
where to start?
Things in my life as of late have been.... rocky?... for the lack of a better term i guess.... i just constantly feel as though i am falling deeper and deeper into an abyss and i don't know how to change directions with anything. I feel somewhat as though i am missing the point... like there is a joke that i have completely spaced over the punchline. what am i on the planet for?? what was i meant to do? what is my purpose... why do i need to do these things.. where do i inevitably want to end up... and where do i go from here.
things really couldn't get much more confusing than they already are... or atleast that is the way that it seems at the moment. i am hoping for a speedy recovery.
Negatives:
I constantly miss my Dad and My grandfather and i feel like my grief is costing me my friendships and is getting out of hand... even though i think that thus far i have handled things pretty well.
I don't have a job.
I don't have a Highschool Diploma.
I don't have my GED yet...
I am not enrolled in college because i do not have the money to pay for my classes.
I suck at training my Puppy.
I find giant hunks of my Blanket fuzz all over in the mornings and i fear that it is going to fall to pieces sooner than i would like it to(never is when i would like it to)
My Boyfriend is going to be leaving in a month's time for Basic Training with the National Guard and he will be gone until August. =/
I am going to miss him.
My best friend is gone. She lives about 6 and a half hours away from me and it is heartbreaking to think about because i miss her so much that i am in physical pain at the mere consideration of this fact...
my grandmother looks at me in a way that i can only assume is complete and utter disappointment and discontent pretty much every single day of my life.
My tummy hurts... i hate being female.
I got a haircut a month or so ago and it isn't growing back as fast as i would really like it to... i hate how my hair looks when it is short.
My family all seem to look at me like i am the black sheep of the bunch... or the ugly duckling if you will. for once it would be wonderful to walk into a room of my family members and not feel like i am being pitied or looked down upon... i mean i know that i am short... but damn.
I joined a gym a couple weeks ago and i am not losing any weight what-so-ever... i really wish that i were... because my boyfriend is a toothpick and it is really awkward being this big... i have never been this big in my entire life.
i don't know what to do with my life because the things that i would love to do just seem soooo incredibly out of reach... it's like i'm not good enough or something. not good enough for my own life? wow. that's a trip.
POSITIVES:
Yeah... i know... you probably thought that i was going to leave it at the negatives... well NOPE... my life is a happy place sometimes too.
For instance.
My family does love me... as much as it feels like they pity me and feel bad for me and they look at me like i don't belong... i am definitely loved. there is no way in hell i could ever doubt that fact.
My boyfriend loves me... no matter how many problems we run across... at the end of the day he makes me feel as though i am really important to him... and i wish that i could do more to show him that i really do appreciate his love and that i do love him just as much as he loves me.
My grandma is there for me whenever she can be... i wouldn't be here and i definitely would never have become the person that i am had it not been for this woman. she is my everything and even though she hates my piercings and my tattoos and whatnot... she still finds a way to look past all of that in order to love me for me... and for that i will be forever in debt to her. always and forever. i could spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her and i don't think i would ever succeed.
My best-friend and i are inseparable... and this separation that we have had to endure has been absolutely a test of that fact. i miss her every day and i get jealous of the fact that she is out there living her life and doing good things for herself... and yet here i am... stuck in a rut... trying to do the best i can for myself and failing miserably... i guess you could say that i am living vicariously through her? And yet... not really. we don't really talk anymore... and when we do it isn't for long... and i never know what is going on... and that's really all my fault. When she comes home... i feel as though it takes us a few days to even get back on track with eachother... it really hurts to say this but i think she is growing apart from us? atleast it feels that way most of the time.Sorry babe. i know. i suck.
I have cocoa pebbles. =)
Time is of the essence. Things are going to get better... no matter how shitty they look at the moment.
here's to working towards my speedy recovery.
Laugh. it does the body good.
-Angel.
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